Last week, all my expectations came crashing down around my feet.
Since February of 2008, I have been in a state of constant pain. With each movement, sharp shooting pains spike down the back of my leg. The rest of the time, it tingles like it is "asleep". Walking hurts. Sitting hurts. Playing with the kids, when it is possible, hurts. Sleeping hurts. I don't even remember what it is like to be able to live without pain.
I have read books and prayed. I have tried resting, icing, heating, exercise, stretching, and wine. After a full year of alternative treatments, last week my doctor told me that he thought surgery might be the only way to go for me. Coming from him, whom I not only trust but also is as "granola" as I am, this was quite a blow.
And yet...maybe it is not as bad as I have convinced myself that it is. In the last few weeks, I have felt like God is calling me to a state of peace in the midst of suffering. It is just so hard to give up the hope of healing! Can I live like this for the rest of my life? Can I praise him in the center of the worst of it, when I haven't slept much for days in a row, when I can't find a position that will give me enough of a release to let me rest. Sleep is a beautiful beautiful thing. As a mother, I know this truth inside and out, but now...it is more precious than gold. How can I have peace in the midst of this?!
And yet...do I really believe that God is a God of love? Do I really believe that this suffering, (compared to some it is really nothing!), is in my life for a purpose? If I believe He wants the best for me, than there is peace to be found.
And now this. Surgery on my spinal column! Sure, it is a quick surgery, but it is still ridiculously high risk! Is this how I get to heal? Or is this the way to the worst? I honestly have no idea. I have no insight into God's voice right now.
There is only one thing I know for a fact. If I do have this surgery, there is no way I am eating hospital food!